I’m going to jump off Lambeth Bridge!
10am: go to FEDEX to send a package to India. They don’t have my account number. Type in my name, I say. Are you typing Osborne, with an O? Yes, I know most people spell it with a U. But mine is O. As in John Osborne. No, we are not related. Nothing? No record of me? But I come every week! Please call your credit control.But you must know me! Yesterday I received your invoice for £46 for a shipment to Delhi. Waddaya mean you have no record of it? How can Credit Control say this to a regular customer? Of course I can’t produce an invoice! I’m not in my office! How can you say I don’t exist? If you’re Credit Control, you have to know me, as you send me invoices! Speak to your superior. You have? Well, they’re crazy too. Look, I’m not angry with you, but you’re driving me mad. How can you send invoices to someone you’ve never heard of ? It doesn’t make sense. Hello! Are you still there. You’re listening? Look, I’m hanging up. I can’t stand any more!
Now driving very fast over Lambeth Bridge for my hair appointment. However Phillip, the manager, says I’m not in the book. But I made the appointment for 2 pm! I twice repeated ‘cut and blow-dry’ to make myself clear. What? If you do me you’ll keep the next client waiting. And she’s in a wheelchair? I don’t believe it! Yesterday you were too busy to cut my hair and today I’m going to keep a wheelchair waiting. I’m not going to sleep after this!
410pm: Sainsburys: waddaya mean my debit card isn’t accepted? Are you sure? What? Not valid? How is it possible? I only received it this week when I cut up my old one because it said I could use the new card from the date thereon. What? Not valid until 11/10. Oh my God, I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. Please tell the cashier I wasn’t trying to cheat her. No, I really wasn’t! Honestly, I do apologise for keeping you all waiting. Yes, really sorry! No, I have no cash at all. That’s my dinner you’re taking back – one Angus sirloin steak and a curly leaf lettuce. Look here’s a Visacard, please take the £5.92 off this. No, I don`t want my reward! I just want to get out of the supermarket.
As you can see, I haven’t jumped. Typing this as a sort of exorcism..